Preface
If you have spent any time in western business circles you will have heard the phrase "Don't come to me with problems, bring solutions ". Until this week I never really accepted the “problem” some women find in hooking up with the man of their dreams. After all as a man I often feel there is a shortage of good women, as the good supply is eaten into by the married, the single but gay, the I’m on a break from relationships, the I’m raising my kids got no time for men, the pursuing their careers and so on.
But when I heard some of the advice the UKs only “black dating expert” was handing out, without riots and without demands for refunds, I guess the penny(or pounds) dropped. Maybe he was on to something. After all if a woman would spend nearer £50 to be told that a great way to meet men is to “sit by the toilet” in a club and not demand a full refund plus compensation, then this must be a viable business.
Now since I can't refund the monies spent by these ladies nor can I apologise on behalf of the "expert" I will try to make amends by offering an alternate guide to finding a good man. No scratch that, this will be an alternative guide to finding a good partner.
This note will be 1 of 3. The first two will focus on the process and the third a list of tips which will not just recap the information in the first two notes, but also simplifying it. Call it a pocket guide if you like.
Part One
As I am fond of saying in any venture it's good to begin with the end in mind. In other words create a vivid picture of just what your ideal partner should not just look like, but talk, walk, dress and even think like. Their levels of social awareness, political views and even their outlook on religion, all need to be considered. Oh and don’t forget stuff like the age range, social background and dare I say even race. Do not rush this process; take your time doing this. Hey, why not even ask your friends what type of partner they could see you with. You'd be amazed how much more your friends may know about your taste than you think. Finally as with all such things WRITE IT DOWN. Get a Red and Black project book. If you don’t take this seriously don’t be surprised when you end up with a Joker!!
Once you have this picture, push it aside. That's right, push it aside. If you have done the process correctly, you should have created your dream partner, but this is no dream. People are not perfect. BUT at least you have a starting point. The next step is to ask yourself which of these characteristics, for love, can you do without completely and which you can do without partially. Be honest. If you lie at this point then the whole process is doomed.
OK. So phase one: target identification is complete. Oh, one little tip before we press on. Often (though not always) like attracts like so double check yourself against the image you have developed of your dream man.
The next phase is Equipment Preparation and what is this equipment I speak of? Its you. Your mind, body and your soul. Invest in developing yourself. How well do you communicate? How good are you at setting and achieving goals? Have you dealt with your spirituality? Are you a good friend, a good daughter or son, Mother or father? Are you really over your ex? These questions must be answered or at least confronted before you complicate things by bring what could be a third or even forth person into your life.
Now don't be tempted to whip out the big guns until you have dealt with these inner issues first. The big guns? Your physical presentation. Like it or not your 9 out of 10 times our physical presentation is the door opener. But I am not talking about the concept of media beauty.
Gents: are your shoes clean? Do you know where the nearest pedi/mani shop is? If your hair is in plaits, how often do you re-do it? As the ladies will tell you it’s the little things.
Ladies, and I am trying not to get into trouble here; are you sure that things you and your mates find attractive are actually attractive to the opposite sex?? Those nails, eyelashes, excessive makeup, that outfit, that attitude. Remember the bait you use will determine your catch!!!
This is a great point to say this. Too often I meet women who lament not having a man, but on the other hand are very resistive to doing anything “just for men”. All I can say is that attitude can leak out into your overall being and in street talk," it’s not a good look".
Personal development should take you to a place where you are not just confident, but competent. Self confidence is certainly for me one of the most attractive features in a woman. Forget raw beauty, forget wealth or social status, give me a woman who is confident in herself and acts that way. For women he’s the man you see as a king even though he’s only a bus driver, but there’s something about him!!! Confidence.
I would recommend a good Presentation Skills program for anyone, but more so to someone seeking a new partner, but finds shyness to be big issue. Much of what I will suggest in this note requires a level of boldness which some people may find uncomfortable. Developing good speaking skills is a fun way to learn how to control shyness and generally improve your ability to represent yourself. If nothing else you will learn a great skill applicable in almost every area of your personal and professional life. Did I mention LSTC does a wonderful presentation skills course? No? Well they do! (Goto www.lstc.eu)
OK By now your sense of self worth should be at its highest and only now are you ready to begin the hunt.
Now some people won't like the word hunt, but until I think of a better simile, hunt sounds just right. People may dislike the word hunt because they think is makes them sound desperate, I’m using it because I want us to take the process seriously, after all there is a lot of competition for Mr. or Ms. Right.
So let's lay the rest of this out like the hunt it really is:
• The hunter must is identify the target.
• The hunter must prepare himself and his weapons for the rigors of the hunt.
Both complete, so what's next?
Target acquisition and The hunting ground.
End of Part One
Part Two
Target acquisition and The hunting ground.
You must research the hunting ground for two reasons. Have you found the place where your prey hangs out and are you prepared to hunt there?
We are all different and all have different needs when it comes to partners and this is why phase one; target identification is so important; only if you know what you are looking for, how can you figure out how to find it? AND only if you know what you are looking for will you recognise it when it turns up. I mean, after all this effort we don’t want to bag a loser!!
Different people inhabit different environments. Sure some times people will overlap, but humans are creatures of habits. A quick look right here on Facebook and you should be able to tell the sports nuts, the dance goers, the TV addicts, the personal development junkies, the jokers, the activist, the politicians, the nutters, the players, the fathers and the mothers. As I said, these will overlaps, but it’s not to hard to draw pretty good conclusions about where you will find the type of prey that suits you.
Since these are modern times I would be remise in my duty, as a dating expert (LOL) if I did not point out that the internet is as valid a hunting ground as anywhere else. In fact I personally believe it’s safer than some of the other possible places where you could meet a potential mate, but only if used correctly.
When you consider how few places we have to met mates, I don’t think it’s wise to exclude the Net. Plus using the net in this hunt does not have to mean Soul Singles, Zoosk or Match.com it could be right here on Facebook. After all, after a couple weeks on Facebook and you will know so much about a persons habits, it’s easy to decide whether you wanna drop them a friendly line or not.
OK moving on. Great hunters know that every now and then they have to bring their prey to them. Sitting at home waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to knock on the door, get past your dog and two cats is so unlikely, so you gotta do stuff! Engage in your community, dress up on a Friday, smile in the streets, join something like Nubian ski, go to a Let’s Talk event, become a political activist , go back and study, join a gym, organise dinner parties; anything to increase your visibility and the opportunity for you to meet like minded people.
Ok now before this note gives away all my secrets or bores you to death, let's cut to the "kill". In many of life’s endeavours failure is often precluded by inaction. Failure to act is the greatest hindrance to success. Fear of rejection makes you unable to act and no matter how good this advice is if you fail to act it is all wasted. If you invested in good personal development, then action will be easier, but for those who find action and following through difficult, get a good coach. They won't do it for you but they will help you to take action.
Now is the time to see if those personal development courses were any good. If they were you should be able to identify some one who likes you from across any room. Yes you could still get it wrong, but so what? I assure you the first time you get it right will outshine the times you got it wrong and you’ll have great stories to share with your friends.
As civilised as we like to think we are, humans as still just animals and as such we still give involuntary signals to prospective mates; learn to read these and the kill becomes so much easier. Now you know your target you need an Ice breaker, remember you’ll never get another chance to make a first impression (corny I know, but oh so true).
When it comes to ice breakers simple is best. Start with “Hi” and your best smile. Yep it’s often that simple. Balance that with good solid eye contact (not staring) and follow up with a question relevant to your environment and you are off and running
Here are a few examples:
WARINING (The following lines may sound corny or even blunt to the uninterested.)
• Party – “Are you enjoying yourself so far”
• Bus stop – “Long day?”
• Library- “is that the ……. book”
• At work – “so what department are you in”
• Paul’s dinner party – “so how did you meet Paul”
• On Facebook (via Chat) – “I saw your comment about green penguins”
What happens next will determine what they say or do next. Look for the signals. If they like you, they will let you know. Don’t try too hard, just let the conversation take it’s natural course and though this may sound obvious NEVER LIE!!!! No matter how small do not be tempted to lie especially in these early stages. You will come unstuck.
Now since you have ventured across the room, broken the ice, don’t just give up if you don’t get an immediate response. Some people take a little while to warm up, others maybe a little taken aback by the approach; give them time to get to the same page as you. This is the hard part; judging when a bid is successful or not. My guideline is stick with it until you start to feel uncomfortable, when that happens just smile and move on.
Men learn to listen, nod and smile. Women love a man who a) listens and b) can make them smile. Ask her open questions and allow her to answer. Don’t interrupt with you own funny story, let her speak. Then as a master stroke show her that you did listen, heard and absorbed what she said.
Women show interest in what he does and may have achieved. All men have egos and as long as they are not tripping over it, egos are fine; nothing wrong with some mild ego stroking. But flattery is shallow and rarely leads to anywhere good.
Give them space and time to talk. Meanwhile you must judge the environment. Do you have time to really go deep or do you need to just establish a beachhead, slip them your number and move on. Don’t get caught napping when their bus turns up. Slip them you card and say “gimme a call sometime” either they will or they won’t.
Bottom line is this, “a faint heart never won a fair lady”. The likelihood of Mr or Ms right dropping in your lap on the 196 bus is low so go make your own luck.
OK so that’s a brief example of how to find your next partner, but I have so much more to tell. Before I go I just wanna say one more thing. This note is just about finding your next DATE. The date itself and the ensuing relationship is a totally different thing, but I want to implore you to take time out and date. Don’t be in such a hurry to lock things down. Relationships take time to really develop. A great kisser may not be a great partner (I know you know this, just saying).
Finally two things, have fun and be yourself….You are good enough.
Tips:
• If you are home moaning about being single just remember no one can hear you
• This is the age of Google. You can find free tips on almost anything
• Remove the word can’t from your vocabulary
• Accept that you may be single for a reason
• You have the right to dream big
• Wanting human companionship is not a sign of desperation
• Develop Listening skills
• Three answers to any question yes, no and not now/maybe.
• Change your habits, this current set works well for a single person.
• Please remember you are trying to attract some one who may have different taste from you.
• Remember the bait you use will determine your catch!!!
• Miners dig through a lot of shit before they find Diamonds
• Apparently 80% of people never act on advice like this.
