Preface
If you have spent any time in western business circles you will have heard the phrase "Don't come to me with problems, bring solutions ". Until this week I never really accepted the “problem” some women find in hooking up with the man of their dreams. After all as a man I often feel there is a shortage of good women, as the good supply is eaten into by the married, the single but gay, the I’m on a break from relationships, the I’m raising my kids got no time for men, the pursuing their careers and so on.
But when I heard some of the advice the UKs only “black dating expert” was handing out, without riots and without demands for refunds, I guess the penny(or pounds) dropped. Maybe he was on to something. After all if a woman would spend nearer £50 to be told that a great way to meet men is to “sit by the toilet” in a club and not demand a full refund plus compensation, then this must be a viable business.
Now since I can't refund the monies spent by these ladies nor can I apologise on behalf of the "expert" I will try to make amends by offering an alternate guide to finding a good man. No scratch that, this will be an alternative guide to finding a good partner.
This note will be 1 of 3. The first two will focus on the process and the third a list of tips which will not just recap the information in the first two notes, but also simplifying it. Call it a pocket guide if you like.
Part One
As I am fond of saying in any venture it's good to begin with the end in mind. In other words create a vivid picture of just what your ideal partner should not just look like, but talk, walk, dress and even think like. Their levels of social awareness, political views and even their outlook on religion, all need to be considered. Oh and don’t forget stuff like the age range, social background and dare I say even race. Do not rush this process; take your time doing this. Hey, why not even ask your friends what type of partner they could see you with. You'd be amazed how much more your friends may know about your taste than you think. Finally as with all such things WRITE IT DOWN. Get a Red and Black project book. If you don’t take this seriously don’t be surprised when you end up with a Joker!!
Once you have this picture, push it aside. That's right, push it aside. If you have done the process correctly, you should have created your dream partner, but this is no dream. People are not perfect. BUT at least you have a starting point. The next step is to ask yourself which of these characteristics, for love, can you do without completely and which you can do without partially. Be honest. If you lie at this point then the whole process is doomed.
OK. So phase one: target identification is complete. Oh, one little tip before we press on. Often (though not always) like attracts like so double check yourself against the image you have developed of your dream man.
The next phase is Equipment Preparation and what is this equipment I speak of? Its you. Your mind, body and your soul. Invest in developing yourself. How well do you communicate? How good are you at setting and achieving goals? Have you dealt with your spirituality? Are you a good friend, a good daughter or son, Mother or father? Are you really over your ex? These questions must be answered or at least confronted before you complicate things by bring what could be a third or even forth person into your life.
Now don't be tempted to whip out the big guns until you have dealt with these inner issues first. The big guns? Your physical presentation. Like it or not your 9 out of 10 times our physical presentation is the door opener. But I am not talking about the concept of media beauty.
Gents: are your shoes clean? Do you know where the nearest pedi/mani shop is? If your hair is in plaits, how often do you re-do it? As the ladies will tell you it’s the little things.
Ladies, and I am trying not to get into trouble here; are you sure that things you and your mates find attractive are actually attractive to the opposite sex?? Those nails, eyelashes, excessive makeup, that outfit, that attitude. Remember the bait you use will determine your catch!!!
This is a great point to say this. Too often I meet women who lament not having a man, but on the other hand are very resistive to doing anything “just for men”. All I can say is that attitude can leak out into your overall being and in street talk," it’s not a good look".
Personal development should take you to a place where you are not just confident, but competent. Self confidence is certainly for me one of the most attractive features in a woman. Forget raw beauty, forget wealth or social status, give me a woman who is confident in herself and acts that way. For women he’s the man you see as a king even though he’s only a bus driver, but there’s something about him!!! Confidence.
I would recommend a good Presentation Skills program for anyone, but more so to someone seeking a new partner, but finds shyness to be big issue. Much of what I will suggest in this note requires a level of boldness which some people may find uncomfortable. Developing good speaking skills is a fun way to learn how to control shyness and generally improve your ability to represent yourself. If nothing else you will learn a great skill applicable in almost every area of your personal and professional life. Did I mention LSTC does a wonderful presentation skills course? No? Well they do! (Goto www.lstc.eu)
OK By now your sense of self worth should be at its highest and only now are you ready to begin the hunt.
Now some people won't like the word hunt, but until I think of a better simile, hunt sounds just right. People may dislike the word hunt because they think is makes them sound desperate, I’m using it because I want us to take the process seriously, after all there is a lot of competition for Mr. or Ms. Right.
So let's lay the rest of this out like the hunt it really is:
• The hunter must is identify the target.
• The hunter must prepare himself and his weapons for the rigors of the hunt.
Both complete, so what's next?
Target acquisition and The hunting ground.
End of Part One
Part Two
Target acquisition and The hunting ground.
You must research the hunting ground for two reasons. Have you found the place where your prey hangs out and are you prepared to hunt there?
We are all different and all have different needs when it comes to partners and this is why phase one; target identification is so important; only if you know what you are looking for, how can you figure out how to find it? AND only if you know what you are looking for will you recognise it when it turns up. I mean, after all this effort we don’t want to bag a loser!!
Different people inhabit different environments. Sure some times people will overlap, but humans are creatures of habits. A quick look right here on Facebook and you should be able to tell the sports nuts, the dance goers, the TV addicts, the personal development junkies, the jokers, the activist, the politicians, the nutters, the players, the fathers and the mothers. As I said, these will overlaps, but it’s not to hard to draw pretty good conclusions about where you will find the type of prey that suits you.
Since these are modern times I would be remise in my duty, as a dating expert (LOL) if I did not point out that the internet is as valid a hunting ground as anywhere else. In fact I personally believe it’s safer than some of the other possible places where you could meet a potential mate, but only if used correctly.
When you consider how few places we have to met mates, I don’t think it’s wise to exclude the Net. Plus using the net in this hunt does not have to mean Soul Singles, Zoosk or Match.com it could be right here on Facebook. After all, after a couple weeks on Facebook and you will know so much about a persons habits, it’s easy to decide whether you wanna drop them a friendly line or not.
OK moving on. Great hunters know that every now and then they have to bring their prey to them. Sitting at home waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to knock on the door, get past your dog and two cats is so unlikely, so you gotta do stuff! Engage in your community, dress up on a Friday, smile in the streets, join something like Nubian ski, go to a Let’s Talk event, become a political activist , go back and study, join a gym, organise dinner parties; anything to increase your visibility and the opportunity for you to meet like minded people.
Ok now before this note gives away all my secrets or bores you to death, let's cut to the "kill". In many of life’s endeavours failure is often precluded by inaction. Failure to act is the greatest hindrance to success. Fear of rejection makes you unable to act and no matter how good this advice is if you fail to act it is all wasted. If you invested in good personal development, then action will be easier, but for those who find action and following through difficult, get a good coach. They won't do it for you but they will help you to take action.
Now is the time to see if those personal development courses were any good. If they were you should be able to identify some one who likes you from across any room. Yes you could still get it wrong, but so what? I assure you the first time you get it right will outshine the times you got it wrong and you’ll have great stories to share with your friends.
As civilised as we like to think we are, humans as still just animals and as such we still give involuntary signals to prospective mates; learn to read these and the kill becomes so much easier. Now you know your target you need an Ice breaker, remember you’ll never get another chance to make a first impression (corny I know, but oh so true).
When it comes to ice breakers simple is best. Start with “Hi” and your best smile. Yep it’s often that simple. Balance that with good solid eye contact (not staring) and follow up with a question relevant to your environment and you are off and running
Here are a few examples:
WARINING (The following lines may sound corny or even blunt to the uninterested.)
• Party – “Are you enjoying yourself so far”
• Bus stop – “Long day?”
• Library- “is that the ……. book”
• At work – “so what department are you in”
• Paul’s dinner party – “so how did you meet Paul”
• On Facebook (via Chat) – “I saw your comment about green penguins”
What happens next will determine what they say or do next. Look for the signals. If they like you, they will let you know. Don’t try too hard, just let the conversation take it’s natural course and though this may sound obvious NEVER LIE!!!! No matter how small do not be tempted to lie especially in these early stages. You will come unstuck.
Now since you have ventured across the room, broken the ice, don’t just give up if you don’t get an immediate response. Some people take a little while to warm up, others maybe a little taken aback by the approach; give them time to get to the same page as you. This is the hard part; judging when a bid is successful or not. My guideline is stick with it until you start to feel uncomfortable, when that happens just smile and move on.
Men learn to listen, nod and smile. Women love a man who a) listens and b) can make them smile. Ask her open questions and allow her to answer. Don’t interrupt with you own funny story, let her speak. Then as a master stroke show her that you did listen, heard and absorbed what she said.
Women show interest in what he does and may have achieved. All men have egos and as long as they are not tripping over it, egos are fine; nothing wrong with some mild ego stroking. But flattery is shallow and rarely leads to anywhere good.
Give them space and time to talk. Meanwhile you must judge the environment. Do you have time to really go deep or do you need to just establish a beachhead, slip them your number and move on. Don’t get caught napping when their bus turns up. Slip them you card and say “gimme a call sometime” either they will or they won’t.
Bottom line is this, “a faint heart never won a fair lady”. The likelihood of Mr or Ms right dropping in your lap on the 196 bus is low so go make your own luck.
OK so that’s a brief example of how to find your next partner, but I have so much more to tell. Before I go I just wanna say one more thing. This note is just about finding your next DATE. The date itself and the ensuing relationship is a totally different thing, but I want to implore you to take time out and date. Don’t be in such a hurry to lock things down. Relationships take time to really develop. A great kisser may not be a great partner (I know you know this, just saying).
Finally two things, have fun and be yourself….You are good enough.
Tips:
• If you are home moaning about being single just remember no one can hear you
• This is the age of Google. You can find free tips on almost anything
• Remove the word can’t from your vocabulary
• Accept that you may be single for a reason
• You have the right to dream big
• Wanting human companionship is not a sign of desperation
• Develop Listening skills
• Three answers to any question yes, no and not now/maybe.
• Change your habits, this current set works well for a single person.
• Please remember you are trying to attract some one who may have different taste from you.
• Remember the bait you use will determine your catch!!!
• Miners dig through a lot of shit before they find Diamonds
• Apparently 80% of people never act on advice like this.
Sunday 12 December 2010
Thursday 2 September 2010
A further case for Affirmative action.
According to the Office for National Statistics, based on 2006 estimates:
* 69.4 per cent of the 7.5 million inhabitants of London were White,
* 58 per cent White British,
* 2.5 per cent White Irish and
* 8.9 per cent classified as Other White.
* 13.1 per cent are of South Asian descent, with
* Indians making up 6.5 per cent
* Bangladeshis and Pakistanis at 2.3 per cent each.
* 2 per cent are categorised as "Other Asian".
* 10.7 per cent of London's population are Black
* 5.5 per cent being Black African,
* 4.3 per cent as Black Caribbean and
* 0.7 per cent as "Other Black".
* 3.5 per cent of Londoners are of mixed race
* 1.5 per cent are Chinese; and
* 1.9 per cent belong to another ethnic group
In short 30.6% of all Londoners are non-white.
About a week ago I wrote a piece proclaiming my conversion to the belief that the UK needs Affirmative action. As expected it caused much debate.
This week I’d like to add a little gun powder to the mix by asking why should some businesses in London still have only the odd token person of colour when almost a third of the population in London are non-white.
Pay close attention to the 8.9% classed as ‘other white’ and think about just who they are.
I worked in the City of London for over 10 years and I had never seen even one business where non-whites were proportionately represented except at the lower levels and in certain businesses i.e cleaning. Now unless things have changed it used to be the case that I would be the only black person at corporate seminars, training events or just general get together.
Yes I will admit the public sector is very different, but I suspect as you go up the ladder the imbalance returns and never for get the City/private sector earn 95% of this countries wealth. So if we are excluded from the city, I feel it is fair to say we are also excluded from true wealth.
Working in the city as I did, I considered £50K just to be a decent salary, you can imagine my shock when I heard people talking about salaries of £30k and even £20k. But I soon understood that via exclusion people were forced to align their expectations accordingly. Our graduates will earn less on a average then their graduates not because they are better educated or have better experience, but because theyir grads will get better jobs. They will get better jobs for two reasons. First the interviewers will look like them and secondly many of our graduates have simply given up looking to the city. How did I end up in the City? I guess having just come off the boat I did not know my place and simply went for the money and refused to be held back, but the lack of any support made what I did so much harder!!
What if London businesses were forced to have open recruitment policies which ensured 30% of staff were non-white? What if the same was required at all levels in a business? What if redundancies also needed to show the same balance?
What would London’s wealth profile look like in 10, 15 or 20 years? How much longer can we wait on the good will and even handedness of those who already have power? Can anyone show me an example of where such levels of one-sided dominance has being changed without a fight?
* 69.4 per cent of the 7.5 million inhabitants of London were White,
* 58 per cent White British,
* 2.5 per cent White Irish and
* 8.9 per cent classified as Other White.
* 13.1 per cent are of South Asian descent, with
* Indians making up 6.5 per cent
* Bangladeshis and Pakistanis at 2.3 per cent each.
* 2 per cent are categorised as "Other Asian".
* 10.7 per cent of London's population are Black
* 5.5 per cent being Black African,
* 4.3 per cent as Black Caribbean and
* 0.7 per cent as "Other Black".
* 3.5 per cent of Londoners are of mixed race
* 1.5 per cent are Chinese; and
* 1.9 per cent belong to another ethnic group
In short 30.6% of all Londoners are non-white.
About a week ago I wrote a piece proclaiming my conversion to the belief that the UK needs Affirmative action. As expected it caused much debate.
This week I’d like to add a little gun powder to the mix by asking why should some businesses in London still have only the odd token person of colour when almost a third of the population in London are non-white.
Pay close attention to the 8.9% classed as ‘other white’ and think about just who they are.
I worked in the City of London for over 10 years and I had never seen even one business where non-whites were proportionately represented except at the lower levels and in certain businesses i.e cleaning. Now unless things have changed it used to be the case that I would be the only black person at corporate seminars, training events or just general get together.
Yes I will admit the public sector is very different, but I suspect as you go up the ladder the imbalance returns and never for get the City/private sector earn 95% of this countries wealth. So if we are excluded from the city, I feel it is fair to say we are also excluded from true wealth.
Working in the city as I did, I considered £50K just to be a decent salary, you can imagine my shock when I heard people talking about salaries of £30k and even £20k. But I soon understood that via exclusion people were forced to align their expectations accordingly. Our graduates will earn less on a average then their graduates not because they are better educated or have better experience, but because theyir grads will get better jobs. They will get better jobs for two reasons. First the interviewers will look like them and secondly many of our graduates have simply given up looking to the city. How did I end up in the City? I guess having just come off the boat I did not know my place and simply went for the money and refused to be held back, but the lack of any support made what I did so much harder!!
What if London businesses were forced to have open recruitment policies which ensured 30% of staff were non-white? What if the same was required at all levels in a business? What if redundancies also needed to show the same balance?
What would London’s wealth profile look like in 10, 15 or 20 years? How much longer can we wait on the good will and even handedness of those who already have power? Can anyone show me an example of where such levels of one-sided dominance has being changed without a fight?
Thursday 26 August 2010
Time for UK affirmative action?
‘Affirmative action refers to policies that take factors including "race, colour, religion, sex or national origin" into consideration in order to benefit an under-represented group, usually as a means to counter the effects of a history of discrimination. The focus of such policies ranges from employment and education to public contracting and health programs. “Affirmative action” is action taken to increase the representation of women and minorities in areas of employment, education, and business from which they have been historically excluded’
Say the words affirmative action or positive discrimination and you will get disparaging looks for all quarters. Some whites see it as giving under qualified blacks jobs they don’t deserve and maybe can’t even do. Some blacks see it an admission that we are under qualified and stress that we should not accept favours but simply be ‘allowed’ to achieve all we can.
When I landed at Gatwick airport 20 plus years ago the concept of Affirmative Action was extremely distastefully to me. My understanding was that people from Africa and the Caribbean had resided in the UK for decades, centuries even, therefore I fully expected to see said peoples working and living comfortably at all level of UK social life. That’s not what I found.
My first assessment of UK based Blacks was not a good one. I just did not have a historical perspective which could explain why I saw more single mothers in Brixton than any day in downtown Kingston. Nor could I understand the crowds of black men spending days in betting shops or hanging out at the local chicken shops. My first real job was in the City of London, this too threw up more questions than answers, as I found myself almost totally surrounded by whites and when I did bump into another black person they too had the same question….where are the blacks?
Over the years I developed an excuse for this massive underachievement. My excuse was racism and low numbers. I convinced myself that since we made up less than 10% of the population and since the English practiced very covert racism that explained our under achievement.
I squarely fell into the group who saw Affirmation Action as wrong.
Two things have slowly changed that view.
A couple of years ago I attended a lecture by Robin Walker. Robin may not the most flamboyant speaker, but believe me with the knowledge he has, he does not need to be. I remember listening to Robin explain how the system here in the UK works when it comes to achievement. It goes like this.
The best, most qualified and experienced person of African descent will always start the day with a 5% handicap. Meanwhile the best, most qualified and experienced white person is always given a 5% head start. Now 5% may not seem like much, but this means that on any given day there is a minimum of 10% difference in favour of whites in every situation. So just to be equal the African must improve by 10% irrespective of levels already achieved. Further it means and please wrap your minds around this a white person who is 10% less capable is equal to an African and if we are equal you and I both know who will get the job. By the way I am only using 5% because I really can’t remember if Robin used 5% or 10%. In any event it is not difficult to understand that the actual percentage will vary depending on who is looking at the candidates. I suspect 5% is an acceptable minimum which is naturally applied UK wide. This explained the frustration and even departure of many UK blacks.
The second thing stemmed from a conversation I was having with Kwame, Lee and Viv about three months ago. I have used no last names to protect the innocent, but suffice to say if you don’t know these three black men then you are not living in the UK or at least London.
As is always the case when 4 vocal self assured black men meet, the topic of under achievement of people of African descent here in the UK was raised. Long story short I was educated on the role Affirmative Action can play and has played in the creation of a strong Black American middle class.
Education is key. When affirmative action ‘allowed’ masses of African Americas to educate themselves, it began a chain of events which we here in the UK can only dream about. The result of these events is a strong well educate upper middle class comprising of Judges, Lawyers, Doctors, Engineers, Lecturers, politicians, playwrights, business owners, Accounts etc who all found their place in American society. Suddenly black found themselves with that extra 11% and boy did they use it.
However the effect does not stop there. Because these people now had access to areas which before were totally white, they could and have left the ladder in place for the next generation and newly arriving immigrants. Critically they also began doing business with other blacks.
So if affirmative action was such a great success why has it not been used here in the UK? Well I have a theory which some of you may not like.
American racism has always been in your face, but here in the UK it has always been a little more covert. Not to mention the majority of blacks in the UK need only look two or three generations to find parents from other lands and I submit that those parents have injected into us a ‘mother England’ attitude which has stopped us from taking the UK to task over racism. Yep I said it. We just don’t take racism serious enough.
Covert racism has allowed the English man to get away to this day with way too much. The UK has had good race relation laws in place for decades, but those laws are just smoke screens to the very issues which affirmative action was designed to deal with.. Further the UK has a more intelligent form of racism because it’s racism is mixed into classism and thus does it’s nasty work often unnoticed because exponents of this racism can point to the under achievement of the white working class and claim that proves our poverty is not race based.
Now this is not to suggest the US has defeated racism, but US blacks are far better placed to fight racism because they have a decent financial base. Look at it this way. Yes the US may have a Black president, but still blacks suffer from racism, thus imagine the state of the UK where thoughts of a black Prime Minister are still laughed at.
So next time there is a movement for Affirmative Action here in the UK, you will see me in the front row.
Say the words affirmative action or positive discrimination and you will get disparaging looks for all quarters. Some whites see it as giving under qualified blacks jobs they don’t deserve and maybe can’t even do. Some blacks see it an admission that we are under qualified and stress that we should not accept favours but simply be ‘allowed’ to achieve all we can.
When I landed at Gatwick airport 20 plus years ago the concept of Affirmative Action was extremely distastefully to me. My understanding was that people from Africa and the Caribbean had resided in the UK for decades, centuries even, therefore I fully expected to see said peoples working and living comfortably at all level of UK social life. That’s not what I found.
My first assessment of UK based Blacks was not a good one. I just did not have a historical perspective which could explain why I saw more single mothers in Brixton than any day in downtown Kingston. Nor could I understand the crowds of black men spending days in betting shops or hanging out at the local chicken shops. My first real job was in the City of London, this too threw up more questions than answers, as I found myself almost totally surrounded by whites and when I did bump into another black person they too had the same question….where are the blacks?
Over the years I developed an excuse for this massive underachievement. My excuse was racism and low numbers. I convinced myself that since we made up less than 10% of the population and since the English practiced very covert racism that explained our under achievement.
I squarely fell into the group who saw Affirmation Action as wrong.
Two things have slowly changed that view.
A couple of years ago I attended a lecture by Robin Walker. Robin may not the most flamboyant speaker, but believe me with the knowledge he has, he does not need to be. I remember listening to Robin explain how the system here in the UK works when it comes to achievement. It goes like this.
The best, most qualified and experienced person of African descent will always start the day with a 5% handicap. Meanwhile the best, most qualified and experienced white person is always given a 5% head start. Now 5% may not seem like much, but this means that on any given day there is a minimum of 10% difference in favour of whites in every situation. So just to be equal the African must improve by 10% irrespective of levels already achieved. Further it means and please wrap your minds around this a white person who is 10% less capable is equal to an African and if we are equal you and I both know who will get the job. By the way I am only using 5% because I really can’t remember if Robin used 5% or 10%. In any event it is not difficult to understand that the actual percentage will vary depending on who is looking at the candidates. I suspect 5% is an acceptable minimum which is naturally applied UK wide. This explained the frustration and even departure of many UK blacks.
The second thing stemmed from a conversation I was having with Kwame, Lee and Viv about three months ago. I have used no last names to protect the innocent, but suffice to say if you don’t know these three black men then you are not living in the UK or at least London.
As is always the case when 4 vocal self assured black men meet, the topic of under achievement of people of African descent here in the UK was raised. Long story short I was educated on the role Affirmative Action can play and has played in the creation of a strong Black American middle class.
Education is key. When affirmative action ‘allowed’ masses of African Americas to educate themselves, it began a chain of events which we here in the UK can only dream about. The result of these events is a strong well educate upper middle class comprising of Judges, Lawyers, Doctors, Engineers, Lecturers, politicians, playwrights, business owners, Accounts etc who all found their place in American society. Suddenly black found themselves with that extra 11% and boy did they use it.
However the effect does not stop there. Because these people now had access to areas which before were totally white, they could and have left the ladder in place for the next generation and newly arriving immigrants. Critically they also began doing business with other blacks.
So if affirmative action was such a great success why has it not been used here in the UK? Well I have a theory which some of you may not like.
American racism has always been in your face, but here in the UK it has always been a little more covert. Not to mention the majority of blacks in the UK need only look two or three generations to find parents from other lands and I submit that those parents have injected into us a ‘mother England’ attitude which has stopped us from taking the UK to task over racism. Yep I said it. We just don’t take racism serious enough.
Covert racism has allowed the English man to get away to this day with way too much. The UK has had good race relation laws in place for decades, but those laws are just smoke screens to the very issues which affirmative action was designed to deal with.. Further the UK has a more intelligent form of racism because it’s racism is mixed into classism and thus does it’s nasty work often unnoticed because exponents of this racism can point to the under achievement of the white working class and claim that proves our poverty is not race based.
Now this is not to suggest the US has defeated racism, but US blacks are far better placed to fight racism because they have a decent financial base. Look at it this way. Yes the US may have a Black president, but still blacks suffer from racism, thus imagine the state of the UK where thoughts of a black Prime Minister are still laughed at.
So next time there is a movement for Affirmative Action here in the UK, you will see me in the front row.
Friday 20 August 2010
Living with the enemy
Living with the enemy
This year is my 21st year of living in London and I think I am finally able to articulate why I often find blacks who have grow up with racism are so very different from those who have not.
During a recent conversation with a few other people who grew up in majority black countries, I began to notice similarities in our perceptions of UK Blacks. Racism, real or just perceived looms large in their every thought.
Growing up in Jamaica I was convinced that what you grew up to be was only limited by your personal ambition. Any child could identify people not only of their race, but also shade, working and achieving in all walks of life. Once the higglas began making strong moves financially, almost no door was inaccessible to even those of the darkest shades . Sure we had our issues of class and shade, but it was no way comparable to the racism faced here in the UK by the average black person.
The level of racism here in the UK has taken a heavy toll of the mentality of many UK blacks. First many UK blacks can’t perceive that blacks can be racist. This belief is held not only by the uneducated (academically and politically) but also by those who are highly educated. This view is based upon the concept that only those with power can be racist. They will argue that in Jamaica we blacks had no power, but even if that is true it is not the point. The point is we felt and continue to feel we have power and perhaps that is why we know blacks can be racist.
However my reason for writing this note is not to point out the obvious, that anyone can be racist, but to explain how years of racist oppression affects UK blacks and can cause conflict between blacks who were not exposed to similar levels of racism or better yet have experienced none at all.
Take two boys one we will call P and the other D. P grows up in Jamaica while D grows up in the UK. In Ps class he is surrounded by kids of the same colour as him. His teachers are also his colour. Daily he reads from books showing his people in a positive light. Each day he sees around him black doctors, lawyers, shopkeepers and yes, thieves. He develops a view that his outcome is down to him and he is not hindered by his race. Yes, he sees a class system around him, but he has also seen people just like him cross over that class system.
D, is in a class with no other kids like him. He is subjected to ridicule because of his colour and maybe even about his class too. Teachers don’t care because they too dislike him purely because of his race too. His books have no sign of blacks in his society. Daily he sees people of his colour excluded from every walk of life and forced to engage in work well below their social and academic potential, just to survive. He may even watch his father abandon his family because in this oppressive society he no longer feels like a ‘real man’. D is fully aware his potential is limited by his colour and there is little he can do about it. Even those black that are wealthy are still treated in a substandard way and are never really accepted into higher society.
If D and P meet there views will be poles apart. P will have to learn that racism can hold him back, D already believes is does. D will see a racist motive behind every set back in his life, even when he is simply not good enough. D is conditioned to believe everything bad that happens to him is race based and soon race becomes his fall back position for ever failing. D can’t understand why P does not share his hatred of whites. In fact he concludes that if P does not hate whites it’s because he is deluded or a sellout. P on the other hand is just as confused at the baseless hate for whites based not on their actions, but rather purely on their colour.
OK these may be extreme cases, but not too extreme and I am sure you can see how each experience will shape P and Ds view on race and racism. More importantly we can see how Ds self esteem will be trampled upon. Low self esteem will affect every area of Ds life. No matter what he does achieve he will feel he was cheated out of more. P on the other hand is self assured.
I am no physiologist or psychiatrist, but I have observed these behaviours of over twenty years and I feel it is a reasonable conclusion that prolonged exposure to an oppressive system day in and day out for you entire life must reek havoc on a persons mind.
Your thoughts are welcomed.
This year is my 21st year of living in London and I think I am finally able to articulate why I often find blacks who have grow up with racism are so very different from those who have not.
During a recent conversation with a few other people who grew up in majority black countries, I began to notice similarities in our perceptions of UK Blacks. Racism, real or just perceived looms large in their every thought.
Growing up in Jamaica I was convinced that what you grew up to be was only limited by your personal ambition. Any child could identify people not only of their race, but also shade, working and achieving in all walks of life. Once the higglas began making strong moves financially, almost no door was inaccessible to even those of the darkest shades . Sure we had our issues of class and shade, but it was no way comparable to the racism faced here in the UK by the average black person.
The level of racism here in the UK has taken a heavy toll of the mentality of many UK blacks. First many UK blacks can’t perceive that blacks can be racist. This belief is held not only by the uneducated (academically and politically) but also by those who are highly educated. This view is based upon the concept that only those with power can be racist. They will argue that in Jamaica we blacks had no power, but even if that is true it is not the point. The point is we felt and continue to feel we have power and perhaps that is why we know blacks can be racist.
However my reason for writing this note is not to point out the obvious, that anyone can be racist, but to explain how years of racist oppression affects UK blacks and can cause conflict between blacks who were not exposed to similar levels of racism or better yet have experienced none at all.
Take two boys one we will call P and the other D. P grows up in Jamaica while D grows up in the UK. In Ps class he is surrounded by kids of the same colour as him. His teachers are also his colour. Daily he reads from books showing his people in a positive light. Each day he sees around him black doctors, lawyers, shopkeepers and yes, thieves. He develops a view that his outcome is down to him and he is not hindered by his race. Yes, he sees a class system around him, but he has also seen people just like him cross over that class system.
D, is in a class with no other kids like him. He is subjected to ridicule because of his colour and maybe even about his class too. Teachers don’t care because they too dislike him purely because of his race too. His books have no sign of blacks in his society. Daily he sees people of his colour excluded from every walk of life and forced to engage in work well below their social and academic potential, just to survive. He may even watch his father abandon his family because in this oppressive society he no longer feels like a ‘real man’. D is fully aware his potential is limited by his colour and there is little he can do about it. Even those black that are wealthy are still treated in a substandard way and are never really accepted into higher society.
If D and P meet there views will be poles apart. P will have to learn that racism can hold him back, D already believes is does. D will see a racist motive behind every set back in his life, even when he is simply not good enough. D is conditioned to believe everything bad that happens to him is race based and soon race becomes his fall back position for ever failing. D can’t understand why P does not share his hatred of whites. In fact he concludes that if P does not hate whites it’s because he is deluded or a sellout. P on the other hand is just as confused at the baseless hate for whites based not on their actions, but rather purely on their colour.
OK these may be extreme cases, but not too extreme and I am sure you can see how each experience will shape P and Ds view on race and racism. More importantly we can see how Ds self esteem will be trampled upon. Low self esteem will affect every area of Ds life. No matter what he does achieve he will feel he was cheated out of more. P on the other hand is self assured.
I am no physiologist or psychiatrist, but I have observed these behaviours of over twenty years and I feel it is a reasonable conclusion that prolonged exposure to an oppressive system day in and day out for you entire life must reek havoc on a persons mind.
Your thoughts are welcomed.
Thursday 12 August 2010
As a coach I don’t have the privilege of coaching people on one topic. None of my clients would gain any benefit from a niche coach as their dream and ambitions are complex and require a more general approach fortunately the art of coaching was designed with that in mind. I just can’t imagine someone coaching on relationship and not also dealing with finance or even parenting.
Prompted by an article on Breakfast news this morning here is a little street level information on debt and money.
Having debt is not unlike being overweight, something I know a lot about. To get out of debt you must stop spending (eating) so much and begin paying (exercising) more towards that debt. Simple. Yet we complicate both and for very good reasons.
Debt is complicated because we lack financial savvy and we are victims of a massive corporate rapist called banks who employ some of the best brains in the world with just one purpose, to fool us.
Banks have a vested interest in ensuring we feel we can’t live without credit. Remember banks start the day with nothing. When John deposits 1 pound the banks give themselves permission to lend 9 pounds to Peter against that single pound. (I believe that remains the current ratio)
Now I hope you notice the con in the lending system. Going by the 1:9 figures the bank only ever has 1/9 of the money it is actually lending. The remainder of the rape is that they have used Johns pound to “create” 8 new pounds which peter must pay them back at a higher (much higher) rate than they pay John for the use of his pound. Oh if you are waiting for me to explain where the 8 pounds came from don’t. They just pressed a few buttons and made it up. Yep the great “Money is secured against gold” myth is a lie. Sure when money systems began this was true, but as man became more and more greedy we simply invented this magic money.
So what does any of this have to do with debt? Well you need to understand that banks need to keep you in debt. Once you understand that, you will begin to see the traps they lay for you and you may even be able to devise ways of avoiding and even getting out of debt .
As a coach I never give advice, but as a mentor I am free to and will. Here is my number one fail safe why of getting out of debt which is 100% guaranteed to work EVERTIME. Don’t get into debt in the first place.
Now for those of us incapable of that simple technique here are the other methods currently available, which I must warn you were designed by banks and bankers and as such as full of traps.
Debt restructuring/Consolidation
In this farce you are often encouraged to take out one large loan to pay off the smaller loans and spread your payments of a longer time period. The debt stays on your record on until debts are paid which can be decades. The other main issue with this method it that you credit rating remains low due to the on going debt and you eventually repay many times the original debt.
Debt relief Order (For amounts under £15,000)
This process is relatively new, but suffice to say if your debts are under £15,000 you are not struggling with the big boys. This one is like Bankruptcy for poor folks. This too will stay on your record for 6 years and for that little money you really got to ask yourself is it worth it and are there better ways to remove your debt.
Individual Voluntary Arrangement or IVA (For Amounts over £15,000)
This one is very dangerous unless you can guarantee your employment for the entire duration of the arrangement. One missed payment and you are right back where you started. Normally the arrangement removes as much as 75% of the debt and allows you to make payments on the remainder over 5 years. No more pesky debtors calling or letters. This too stays on your record for 6 years
Bankruptcy
This is the one that we are trained to fear the most, yet in a number of ways it can be the best.
This too stays on your record for six years, but there is no upper limit to the amount of money you can write off. Drawback? It is more expensive to implement than any of the others. You remain a ‘bankrupt’ for 12 months and therefore must live by the restrictions i.e you can’t be a company director etc.
Details
The net has much more in-depth information on all these so-called solutions. But here are a few practical tips and points on all of them.
All these interventions will be on your record for 6 years except the first which will be on your record until all the debt is cleared. So if you know you can’t clear you debt in six years maybe these are good options.
The IVA requires 60 payments and does not allow you to miss a single one. In this era of employment uncertainty you may want to think twice about this option.
Bankruptcy strips you bare, but it is a clinical strike which many ‘wealthy’ people use, ask yourself why.
The longer you are in debt the more you repay. Be careful of schemes that are designed merely to keep you in debit.
Avoid banks when seeking advice on debt, you getting out of debt is not in their interest.
Speak to your creditors, they would much rather get some money back rather than none. This you can do for yourself at no cost!
If there is one rule of thumb surrounding debt try this: never take loans in order to remove debt it’s not a good strategy.
Parents
Please teach you children how to handle money. If you don’t they will not know what to do when their first credit card application form mysteriously turns up the day after their 18th birthday. Teach kids to save. Don’t teach them instant gratification. The word NO never killed anyone. Explain to your kids about the monthly bills in your home and involve them as much as possible in the family finances.
Well that’s my rant for the day!
Prompted by an article on Breakfast news this morning here is a little street level information on debt and money.
Having debt is not unlike being overweight, something I know a lot about. To get out of debt you must stop spending (eating) so much and begin paying (exercising) more towards that debt. Simple. Yet we complicate both and for very good reasons.
Debt is complicated because we lack financial savvy and we are victims of a massive corporate rapist called banks who employ some of the best brains in the world with just one purpose, to fool us.
Banks have a vested interest in ensuring we feel we can’t live without credit. Remember banks start the day with nothing. When John deposits 1 pound the banks give themselves permission to lend 9 pounds to Peter against that single pound. (I believe that remains the current ratio)
Now I hope you notice the con in the lending system. Going by the 1:9 figures the bank only ever has 1/9 of the money it is actually lending. The remainder of the rape is that they have used Johns pound to “create” 8 new pounds which peter must pay them back at a higher (much higher) rate than they pay John for the use of his pound. Oh if you are waiting for me to explain where the 8 pounds came from don’t. They just pressed a few buttons and made it up. Yep the great “Money is secured against gold” myth is a lie. Sure when money systems began this was true, but as man became more and more greedy we simply invented this magic money.
So what does any of this have to do with debt? Well you need to understand that banks need to keep you in debt. Once you understand that, you will begin to see the traps they lay for you and you may even be able to devise ways of avoiding and even getting out of debt .
As a coach I never give advice, but as a mentor I am free to and will. Here is my number one fail safe why of getting out of debt which is 100% guaranteed to work EVERTIME. Don’t get into debt in the first place.
Now for those of us incapable of that simple technique here are the other methods currently available, which I must warn you were designed by banks and bankers and as such as full of traps.
Debt restructuring/Consolidation
In this farce you are often encouraged to take out one large loan to pay off the smaller loans and spread your payments of a longer time period. The debt stays on your record on until debts are paid which can be decades. The other main issue with this method it that you credit rating remains low due to the on going debt and you eventually repay many times the original debt.
Debt relief Order (For amounts under £15,000)
This process is relatively new, but suffice to say if your debts are under £15,000 you are not struggling with the big boys. This one is like Bankruptcy for poor folks. This too will stay on your record for 6 years and for that little money you really got to ask yourself is it worth it and are there better ways to remove your debt.
Individual Voluntary Arrangement or IVA (For Amounts over £15,000)
This one is very dangerous unless you can guarantee your employment for the entire duration of the arrangement. One missed payment and you are right back where you started. Normally the arrangement removes as much as 75% of the debt and allows you to make payments on the remainder over 5 years. No more pesky debtors calling or letters. This too stays on your record for 6 years
Bankruptcy
This is the one that we are trained to fear the most, yet in a number of ways it can be the best.
This too stays on your record for six years, but there is no upper limit to the amount of money you can write off. Drawback? It is more expensive to implement than any of the others. You remain a ‘bankrupt’ for 12 months and therefore must live by the restrictions i.e you can’t be a company director etc.
Details
The net has much more in-depth information on all these so-called solutions. But here are a few practical tips and points on all of them.
All these interventions will be on your record for 6 years except the first which will be on your record until all the debt is cleared. So if you know you can’t clear you debt in six years maybe these are good options.
The IVA requires 60 payments and does not allow you to miss a single one. In this era of employment uncertainty you may want to think twice about this option.
Bankruptcy strips you bare, but it is a clinical strike which many ‘wealthy’ people use, ask yourself why.
The longer you are in debt the more you repay. Be careful of schemes that are designed merely to keep you in debit.
Avoid banks when seeking advice on debt, you getting out of debt is not in their interest.
Speak to your creditors, they would much rather get some money back rather than none. This you can do for yourself at no cost!
If there is one rule of thumb surrounding debt try this: never take loans in order to remove debt it’s not a good strategy.
Parents
Please teach you children how to handle money. If you don’t they will not know what to do when their first credit card application form mysteriously turns up the day after their 18th birthday. Teach kids to save. Don’t teach them instant gratification. The word NO never killed anyone. Explain to your kids about the monthly bills in your home and involve them as much as possible in the family finances.
Well that’s my rant for the day!
Wednesday 11 August 2010
Welcome to Life Matters
Just want to formally welcome you all to the home of my blogs. Most of you will know me from Facebook and therefore understand why I am shifting my blog away from Facebook.
I don't have the time to spread between Facebook and my other activities. Simple.
I hope you will read my blogs and more importantly comment as with out your comments my blogs are just ramblings of a mad man!!
Paul
I don't have the time to spread between Facebook and my other activities. Simple.
I hope you will read my blogs and more importantly comment as with out your comments my blogs are just ramblings of a mad man!!
Paul
Sunday 25 October 2009
After all that has been written this weekend about the BNP I feel compelled to wrap my contributions up into a single blog.
As a coach and trainer I find myself on a daily basis talking to people about change. People come to me seeking change on a multitude of levels; a new job, a change of career, a new relationship or just good old success.
The ability to create change is dependant upon a few basic tenants. None is more fundamental than this: You can’t change the things that happen to you, but you can change your response.
Nick Griffin appeared on Question Time. The BNP are a racist, yet legal party. Support of the BNP is increasing and Things are going to get worse before they get better. These ladies and gents are the facts. You and I cannot change these facts, but we can change how we respond to them.
Here are a few suggestions:
Write to your MP
Let your local MP know you expect them to push for the banning of the BNP. Let them know we are not fooled by cosmetic changes made under due rest by the BNP and the only outcome you desire is that they are banned.
Encourage your friends to write to their MP
Daily I get invites to events, friend, Fan and Group suggestions, not to mention e-mails from friends making a variety of suggestions; everything from great places to eat out to why I should have an Iphone instead of a Blackberry. It therefore cannot be wrong to encourage your friends to assist in defeating the BNP. Can it?
Educate yourself
If I wanted to oppress you, believe me I would not educate you either. Stop moaning about why Black history is not taught in schools and go out and find your own sources of education. Remember racism is the doctrine of ignorance.
Educate your children.
Calling the system institutionally racist is our version of PC. Spend a little less energy labelling the system and more training your kids to beat it. I grow weary of parents and elders whose only contribution to how their kids defend against racism is teaching them to call the police pigs and to accuse all authority figures of being racist. If you know the system is racist then teach your kids how to handle racism and if you don’t know how: ASK.
Participate
Is it any wonder that after all these years many of the UK institutions remain racist? In a misguided refusal not to “sell out”, not only have we failed to move into certain careers, but we have gone a step further and ensured our children view certain professions as absolute no-go areas. Be warned that by doing so we will continue to be marginalised and if we marginalise ourselves then why should they not do the same?
Unite or die
It is that simple. Generation after generation of black people have subscribed to a dangerous self fulfilling propechy – Black people can’t unite. We have said this so often, we now actually believe it. This must stop. Our biggest weakness is our division, our suspicion of each other, our unwillingness to work side by side with each other often based purely upon the geography of our birth. Truth is I don’t even have to like you to work alongside you for the black cause.
Assess your leadership
Last but certainly not least we need to take a look at our black leadership. Our leaders must offer more then just attacks on the past actions of white society They must offer more than just the same old “wicked white man” stories, slavery stories, Brixton riot stories, colonialist stories and suspicion on all white men. Too many of our leaders are lazy and have learnt the art of the sound bite just as well as the white man. They use words and phrases which stir up emotion, but offer no comfort and no way forward.
We deserve better than this. No. In fact we don't deserve better...we can have better.
To read more blogs like this goto: http://nottheheadlinenews.ning.com/profiles/blogs/bnpqt-aftermath-what-next
As a coach and trainer I find myself on a daily basis talking to people about change. People come to me seeking change on a multitude of levels; a new job, a change of career, a new relationship or just good old success.
The ability to create change is dependant upon a few basic tenants. None is more fundamental than this: You can’t change the things that happen to you, but you can change your response.
Nick Griffin appeared on Question Time. The BNP are a racist, yet legal party. Support of the BNP is increasing and Things are going to get worse before they get better. These ladies and gents are the facts. You and I cannot change these facts, but we can change how we respond to them.
Here are a few suggestions:
Write to your MP
Let your local MP know you expect them to push for the banning of the BNP. Let them know we are not fooled by cosmetic changes made under due rest by the BNP and the only outcome you desire is that they are banned.
Encourage your friends to write to their MP
Daily I get invites to events, friend, Fan and Group suggestions, not to mention e-mails from friends making a variety of suggestions; everything from great places to eat out to why I should have an Iphone instead of a Blackberry. It therefore cannot be wrong to encourage your friends to assist in defeating the BNP. Can it?
Educate yourself
If I wanted to oppress you, believe me I would not educate you either. Stop moaning about why Black history is not taught in schools and go out and find your own sources of education. Remember racism is the doctrine of ignorance.
Educate your children.
Calling the system institutionally racist is our version of PC. Spend a little less energy labelling the system and more training your kids to beat it. I grow weary of parents and elders whose only contribution to how their kids defend against racism is teaching them to call the police pigs and to accuse all authority figures of being racist. If you know the system is racist then teach your kids how to handle racism and if you don’t know how: ASK.
Participate
Is it any wonder that after all these years many of the UK institutions remain racist? In a misguided refusal not to “sell out”, not only have we failed to move into certain careers, but we have gone a step further and ensured our children view certain professions as absolute no-go areas. Be warned that by doing so we will continue to be marginalised and if we marginalise ourselves then why should they not do the same?
Unite or die
It is that simple. Generation after generation of black people have subscribed to a dangerous self fulfilling propechy – Black people can’t unite. We have said this so often, we now actually believe it. This must stop. Our biggest weakness is our division, our suspicion of each other, our unwillingness to work side by side with each other often based purely upon the geography of our birth. Truth is I don’t even have to like you to work alongside you for the black cause.
Assess your leadership
Last but certainly not least we need to take a look at our black leadership. Our leaders must offer more then just attacks on the past actions of white society They must offer more than just the same old “wicked white man” stories, slavery stories, Brixton riot stories, colonialist stories and suspicion on all white men. Too many of our leaders are lazy and have learnt the art of the sound bite just as well as the white man. They use words and phrases which stir up emotion, but offer no comfort and no way forward.
We deserve better than this. No. In fact we don't deserve better...we can have better.
To read more blogs like this goto: http://nottheheadlinenews.ning.com/profiles/blogs/bnpqt-aftermath-what-next
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